Forgive yourself for returning to old survival patterns and start again
by Cassie Connor Feb 17, 2025
The ways we learned to survive, especially in our young years and in times of stress and trauma, are strongly etched into our patterns. We may find that we return to these patterns now, especially when we are stressed/overwhelmed. If you’ve experienced this, it may have felt a bit like a time warp — you thought this way of being was behind you, and here it is again.
Some of these survival strategies could show up as: abandoning our own needs/bulldozing through our own boundaries, acting out of alignment with our values to be “in” with a group, running away, overworking, an urge to hide, lashing out, isolating, shutting down, and so on (a non-exhaustive list!).
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It can be disappointing — we’ve worked really hard to grow into a new way of being. We might feel catapulted back to the time and headspace in which we learned those patterns. We feel like we’re back at square one, so what now?
This is *the* time to be oh-so-gentle with ourselves. These responses are driven by our nervous system, whose sole purpose is to keep us alive. The nervous system will act based on two main factors:
what information is it gathering in the present about any potential threat (including a threat to relational safety)?
what has worked to keep you safe in the past?
This is a largely unconscious process that happens quickly to keep you safe. The prefrontal cortex, governor of rational choice goes offline (whoopsie), because our body has determined we don’t have the time to think through our options - we need to react — now. We’re now in the hands of the limbic system, a deeply emotional and reactive system often called “the lizard brain”. In other words, we’re in survival mode.
Understanding the nervous system can bring a tremendous release of shame. Who can blame a body who wants to survive? When we can see where these responses are coming from, we can become gently curious about our reactions, and deepen our capacity for choice.
Here’s the good news — we can learn new ways of responding to stress/threat. We can learn new ways of responding when we are in a space of relative calm, and repeat them so that they become deeply patterned, and more likely to be available to us even when we find ourselves highly stressed.
This is where yoga practice can be a tremendous resource. We learn how to listen to our bodies - we may be able to detect a challenging experience sooner, and respond more proactively. We learn how to influence our nervous systems through our breath - we have a say in how we feel (and thus, how we respond). We learn how to be compassionate with ourselves, how to soften our attachments, how to surrender, and so much more.
You can choose a new way forward without blaming or berating yourself for the past. Changing our deeply-entrenched patterning is not easy. It takes tremendous strength, and you are worth the effort.
what is healing, if not —
a million tiny steps
and trust falls
into the light
into hope
into the arms of love and kindness and care
healing happens slow
and all at once
backwards and forwards and up and down
repeat the same pattern 100 times
and then never again
and then again next Tuesday
come back —
pick up where you left off, like
a long-distance best friend
or a good book
flip back a few pages
and then forwards
step and leap and fall
and then again
and again and again
Resources for you
⭐️ I have so many books to share with you surrounding these topics, but let’s start here: The Wisdom of Your Body: finding healing, wholeness, and connection through embodied living by Hillary L. McBride. Let me know what you think if you end up reading it!